A Very Neurodivergent Valentine's Day
Nowadays, at any given time in the year, there is the impending threat of a heavily commercialised holiday on the horizon. Having narrowly survived the festive season and a couple of likely unachievable new years resolutions, we now sit on the cusp of valentine's day. Love it or hate it, it's coming and it might be another expensive one. For neurodivergent people in romantic relationships, the pressure mounts, even more so with the big day falling on a weekend this year. You can bet every decent restaurant within 20 miles will be fully booked, have some heart covered specials menu and be substantially more expensive than usual.
In our neurodivergent households, mine included, it can be hard to navigate these holidays and celebrations. They are hard to miss and easily make us feel inadequate. Some of us are single by choice, others are working over the celebration, some simply do not have the funds to justify a pricey gift or outing and some might be in a new relationship and feel the pressure to put on a show for valentine's day but not know where to start. Whatever the case may be, we know autistic, adhd & neurodivergent people often find these events harder to navigate. Not only are these smaller celebrations a change to our routines, but there are unwritten social conventions attached to them.
So, from one neurodivergent person to other neurodivergent people (and their partners), here is a valentine's how to guide:
Option 1: Don’t.
Let's stop things before they start. If you don't want to, you don’t need to. We can feel like we have to engage with what's ‘expected' or ‘usual’, especially when it's advertised heavily and packaged as the ultimate profession of love and devotion to each other. It's just another day, you can let it pass without note or care. Just make sure your partner is on board too.
Option 2: Do it your way.
There is no requirement to buy into the gimmicks of valentine's day. No one is ordering you to go to a restaurant you can't afford and don't particularly like. There is nothing wrong with a takeaway from your usual spot, a film you have watched 10 times already this year, and a bottle or mug of your preferred beverage.
Option 2.5: Quality time.
One of the nicest things about valentine's day, is it can highlight a time to slow down and think about our partners. So, what would they want? Does that overpriced restaurant give them the chance to wear their pink heart themed outfit and splurge on a set of matching nails they love getting done each year? Amazing, there is nothing wrong with loving valentine's day either. Book that table and spend your hard earned cash on a fun dinner.
Or, Maybe your partner (and you) would prefer a long walk in nature or playing that board game that takes 10 hours just to get the hang of the rules (If you are my partner reading this, no), a day at home baking, a small gift of those earrings you noticed last time you went shopping together, the new couch co-op video game you couldn't justify this soon after Christmas or simply a hand made card.
There is something for every budget and every couple. You make the rules, and the best part is you can choose to break 'em too.
Option 3: Don’t forget your friends.
Maybe valentine's day isn't your other half's thing, but your friends might need some love too! There are many types of love to celebrate, and if you ask me, romance is over sold to us. We live in a world that centres our monogamous romantic relationships above all else. But in my opinion as a neurodivergent individual, our platonic connections can be just as, or even more important than our romantic ones.
Consider celebrating with your friends, do a double date, maybe that board game is better with a group (okay, the idea is growing on me), that takeaway is more delicious and the movie even funnier.
There is no good reason I can think of not to get your friends a card professing your love, in fact we should tell our friends we love them more.
However you choose to celebrate, or if you don't, do what works for you! Worst case scenario, pancake day is just after. Now that IS for everyone!
Do you celebrate Valentine's Day? What's your neurodivergent friendly tips and tricks for celebrating?
Hats is one of our autism and neurodiversity trainers, who specialises in Autism & Neurodiversity in women & girls, executive functioning & disability inclusion. Alongside training, Hats runs a community social space for neurodivergent women and coordinates and supports our other expert trainers.